


Bitter Medicine

by KumoriYami



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Feelings, POV Multiple, Post-main game but pre Tonami, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-02-16 08:08:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18687526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KumoriYami/pseuds/KumoriYami
Summary: His bloodlust strikes him at one of the worst possible moments.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> wanted a story about my favourite Hakuoki pairing's time in Aizu that semi-explained Saito's clear-headedness in Reimeroku since if Chizuru doesn't offer blood that last time to Saito, it results in his longest seizure and its implied that they've been has gotten significantly worse, and because i don't think it makes sense for one of those episodes not to happen in Aizu pre Battle of the Bonari Pass while a fight is going on given what happened there

Chizuru's heart sinks to her stomach when she recognized the signs as she saw his back shudder. Part of her wished she was imagining it as a trick of the light caused the moonlight- seeing the slight sway in his body that occurred before his head lurched forward as he fell to his knees and pressed his right hand against his chest, as his left held his sword like his life depended on it while his hair turned white....

_Not now!_

They had been extremely lucky in that these episodes had been when they were alone, even as they increased in frequency, but she knew in her heart that their luck could not last forever... and Chizuru always dreaded when that would be.

At the very least, there weren't any other Imperial soldiers she could make out in the darkness around them from where she was, or any of the Aizu whose retreat Saito-san had been covering... aside from the one who was in a short distance away from Saito-san as he fell. One who was already preparing to fire his rifle...

Her eyes widened at the sight and before Chizuru knew it, her kodachi was unsheathed and her hands were gripping its hilt as she charged forward, ignoring all the advice about hiding her presence since she wanted to be noticed. She knew that she wasn't supposed to be doing anything aside from hiding and waiting but there was no way she could remain silent as the man she loved, whom she would follow into whatever circumstances, was in agony and about to be killed before her eyes...

"Yukimura! Stop!" She thinks she hears his voice - sounding in more agony than it's ever been in, calling out to her with an almost desperate undertone to it, one that she's never heard from him before as she ran past who it came from, but she couldn't stop... and would not stop. She had to do something... _anything_ to get him out of the situation he was in.... She could live with him scolding her later or him being angry but not with knowing that she did nothing... and not without him. The thought of how it was necessary to be resolved to accept one's own death when one stepped onto a battlefield flashed through her mind as her eyes locked onto his enemy's, and Chizuru felt the a slight trace of a bitter smile form on her face as she acknowledged the fact. She would not deny how she had long accepted to share Saito-san's fate... whatever that may be, and this was no different. "Please.... Yukimura, get back.... Don't..."

While there was surprise and confusion in the soldier's eyes at her actions and her sudden appearance, he turns his rifle towards her almost immediately, much to Chizuru's own relief as she issued a silent apology to the the man behind her.

Ever since her time in Kyoto, she must have seen rifles being fired off hundreds of times, with that frequency having dramatically increased since their arrival in Aizu. Even if the weapon was different than the ones she had had seen up close, she was at least able to recognize the way her opponent needed to aim and the way he needed to adjust his hand on the trigger... While reminding herself of what she knew of guns, she recalled when she had asked Saito-san to train her before. He once told her that no matter what she did, she'd never be able to best a man in a contest of strength, and unless she could somehow manage to draw out the abilities of an oni that she still had no idea about, all she could do now was hope that the element of surprise would be enough to serve as a distraction as she began swinging her blade upward with as much strength as she could so that the weapon would no longer be pointed towards him...

Her actions are unfortunately a moment too slow, and while the sound of a gunshot echoed in her ears as Chizuru felt her right shoulder burn, sending her kodachi out of her hands, that didn't stop her from reaching for her assailant's rifle. If she could move that meant that she could still do something..!

"Yukimura!" The sight of a familiar blade flashes before her eyes a short moment later, accompanied by the sight and sound of the Imperial soldier choking on his own blood as he fell with a katana wedged in his throat, and while she does feel relief knowing whose sword it was, she found herself unsteady and unable to look at it for long as she lost her balance.

A strong hand however grabs her before she slips, but she found herself wincing at the contact since it sent a jolt of pain through shoulder, and Chizuru barely manages to hold back her instinctive reaction as she gnashed her teeth since she knew that she couldn't afford to make any loud noises given how that might attract unwanted attention. It's likely that he sensed how she wanted to respond given how his hand hastily pulled back for a moment before moving to support her from behind.

"You're okay..." Chizuru's voice unfortunately sounds weaker than she means for it to as Saito-san's face came into focus, and while part of physically was in pain, all she felt was relief upon seeing that the man she loved was uninjured... though she could tell that he was having a hard time even standing. _How much had he pushed himself this time...?_ "Thank goodness..."

"Yukimura... Why... why would you do such a thing?" From his expression... she could not see any anger... but only anxiousness and worry as she found herself reaching out towards his face to wipe the blood off him with her sleeve. If it lingered on him for too long, the effects of what he experienced would be even worse...

"You... you needed blood.... and I couldn't do nothing..." Wincing as she withdrew her hand as she tried to give him a reassuring smile, she moved to pull at the fabric of her clothes over her shoulder to expose her injury to him, and she hoped that it looked a lot better than it felt as she applied what pressure she could while still allowing him access to her wound. "Saito-san... we can't stay here for long and there's no telling if there are any more Imperial soldiers in the area."

Saito-san's eyes harden at her words, but there wasn't any point to him trying to say that her blood wasn't what he needed, and desperately, given how he had already collapsed in front of her... Conflicting emotions appear on his face and she could see his throat swallow as he considered her words... and Chizuru knew that he had came to a decision when a flash of what could only interpret as guilt passed through his eyes. Regardless of how he felt, she was always grateful at how he would accept what she offered since she knew it would help him...

With a firm but caring hand, he led her over to a tree that he had to use for his own support as she leaned against it, though Chizuru noted how Saito-san had specifically chosen a spot where the moonlight would allow him to see the more of her injury and that his hand was shaking as he touched her.... Anguish appeared in his eyes as he moved closer to her, and soon she felt his lips on her skin, though the warmth of his tongue against her caused her body to involuntarily flinch given the rawness of her injury. "Your shoulder... does it hurt?"

"No... it's fine now. Just... stings a bit. Thankfully, there's no one else around..." She shook her head, hoping he wouldn't see through her lie too easily, though it was equally true how she felt her body already healing itself. Although Chizuru had yet to examine herself, she had clearly felt the bullet exit her body so she didn't need to worry about attempting to remove anything, not that there was anyone who had such expertise to do so among the Aizu, and she was already extremely uncomfortable with extracting bullets given her lack of proper training despite how she had experience doing so. All that lingered now was a dull pain in shoulder that made it a bit harder for her to move her arm, and how she was feeling a bit light-headed from the blood loss since she was still bleeding a bit... though they were relatively simple problems that would go away shortly thanks to her heritage whereas his would remain until they reached the waters that Amagiri spoke of...

Whether or not he believed her, Saito-san gave her no response as he resumed gently licking at the blood around the entry point and the surrounding area of her wound as if to disinfect it. While Chizuru felt that she couldn't look at Saito-san's face directly knowing how he was probably in more pain than she was because of her actions, she earnestly hoped that she wasn't crying too much as she felt tears of relief come down from her face. She could somehow manage enduring the sight of him being confronted by bullets and blades, but she didn't want to see him in grief because of something she did. Still, the fact that he was in pain meant that he was alive... a fact that she was incredibly grateful to acknowledge... especially since she knew that she could potentially have lost him...

Eventually, Saito-san's eyes and hair reverted back to their normal appearance as his breathing evened out when she felt that she was no longer bleeding, and he immediately adjusted her clothes so that her skin was no longer showing. "Forgive me Yukimura..."  
  
"Please... there's nothing to forgive." She shook her head and grasped his hands with as much strength she could muster, wishing that she could sound as resolute as she wanted to be since she had a feeling that Saito-san would consider himself responsible for what she had done before she wiped away her tears with her sleeve. "Although you may disagree with what I have done, this was my decision... and mine alone. I do not regret my actions in the slightest Saito-san..." She paused and let out a wry laugh seeing his eyes widen in what she could only describe as shock as this was probably the first time in she had spoken against him like this since separating their separation from the Shinsengumi... but she knew that it had to be said. "I know that you have the tendency to want to burden yourself with everything, just like how I always blame myself, Saito-san... but please... understand that I refuse to allow you to take responsibility for what I sought to do of my own will this time, and while I won't ask you to agree with me, please... respect my choice."

Saito-san smiled weakly to her, and there was an obvious bitterness on his face as he lowered his head, not wanting to meet her gaze before he embraced her gently. While Chizuru wanted to reciprocate his action, he had encircled her with his still shaking arms... Once he calmed down enough, Saito-san reluctantly let her go before proceeding to undo the sash that held his katanas so that he could remove his coat and place it around her shoulders. "We need to head back to camp since there may still be Imperials about... and I will dress your injury when we return."

Chizuru found that she could only nod to Saito-san's declaration after he readjusted his swords and returned Shotsuren to its sheath for her before he took hold of her left hand, taking the rifle in his other as they started their walk back to the Aizu encampment. His voice sounded so forlorn...

* * *

 When they returned to the Aizu camp, Saito-san had released her hand, and they were greeted by a rather significant number of worried, surprised and inquiring gazes despite how late it was who all seemed to be held back by Saito-san's exceptionally cold gaze as he escorted her to their tent after depositing the rifle in the appropriate location and reporting their situation to a few of the other commanders with the barest of words before procuring a fire. It was no secret that she always travelled and camped with Saito-san, and while she knew that some of the Aizu commanders and soldiers knew of her gender, it was equally true how no one would likely say anything about her since he was one of their commanders, and aside from how she only followed him wherever he was ordered to as his unofficial page whenever she was able, she was the closest thing that qualified to a doctor among them... as the others had either headed north with the Shinsengumi to Sendai, likely on their way to Ezo now given the information she had heard, or were no longer among them, which unfortunately left Chizuru tending to the injured almost completely by herself along with whomever could lend their assistance in bandaging wounds given the demand for able bodies and the soldiers' own need to rest so that they could continue fighting. Her role thankfully didn't feel too different from what she had been accustomed to from her time with the Shinsengumi, though it was significantly more demanding given the circumstances they were in, and Chizuru had long lost count of how many soldiers she had had tended to given the near-constant fighting in Aizu.

When they reached their tent, Saito-san helped her sit down on her futon and he lit a few candles before handing her a clean set of clothes and started going through the bag of their belongings that she always carried for medical supplies. Aside from a few non-essential items that were packed separately, she always kept everything of importance to them with her since there was the very real possibility of the Aizu's camp being overrun at any time.

"Yukimura..." His voice was soft when he sat next to her, setting down some cloth, bandages, and a bottle of water and sake beside them. Aside from the alcohol, which was now treated as an emergency medical provision given the strain on the Aizu's resources, they were items Chizuru always tried to maintain a clean and extra supply of since she used them to wipe down Saito-san's face after fighting if circumstances allowed since she could only imagine how the constant bloodshed effected him as a rasetsu. Looking at him now, there was both hesitation and embarrassment in his expression as Saito-san tugged at her kimono, and she understood how he was asking for her permission.

Chizuru nodded silently before she closed her eyes, hoping that her cheeks weren't too flushed as he pulled at her garments after loosening the tie for her hakama. Even without him saying it, she understood that Saito-san was eager to have her relieved of her clothes which had been soaked in her blood for his own peace of mind given the distress that he was attempting to hide behind his normally serene eyes.... though she would never point it out to him now. Whenever she was able to tell that Saito-san was trying to hide something form her, provided it wasn't detrimental to his health, she was determined to do her best to overlook it since she understood how he did not like her knowing that he was feeling vulnerable or wanted her worrying about him any more than what he thought was necessary given their situation... though she had promised herself that this would change after the fighting was over since she wanted to share his burdens.

Saito-san's movements are extremely careful and Chizuru doesn't resist how he moved her arms so he move them out of the sleeves out of her kimono, though she can feel his hesitation again once that was removed and he pulled at the fabric of her underclothes by the front her chest, likely to peer beneath them.

"...It will not be necessary to remove anything more after this piece." Chizuru nodded at Saito-san's words, and she could hear him let out a long breath of relief as he removed another layer of fabric. Although it was never outright discussed, they both knew how the interactions between them were limited by their circumstances, and Chizuru wasn't exactly willing to be very bold in their short moments together at camp since she didn't want her presence to reflect badly on Saito-san since he _did_ have a woman with him while there was a war going on. It was unfortunate but when they slept while outdoors, they always remained separated since there were others nearby, though it was also true how neither of them wanted to disturb the other's rest in case someone needed to be woken up because of an emergency situation arising, though that usually occurred more frequently to her given her skill set nowadays.

After a short minute, she felt the autumn air and a familiar warmth caressing her skin. "....Your injury... looks almost healed now but that does not mean we should not bandage or clean it."

"...Well I certainly can't feel anything feel anything from it anymore." While Chizuru wasn't exactly sure what to say, she understood how she needed to say _something_ as the alternative would be interpreted more negatively, especially when she considered how Saito-san's words sounded more like he was trying to convince himself rather than her and she hoped she hadn't bled much before her injury sealed itself. Still... she couldn't help but smile at his kindness as it reminded her of how different the circumstances she was in now when compared to the last time she had been this injured...

"...What are you thinking about?" Perhaps it's because Saito-san felt her thoughts drift away or thought her expression out of place does he ask the question as he wet a cloth with water and another with the sake before he started to carefully wipe the area around her shoulder, while occasionally dabbing her skin with the alcohol. He did sound very nervous... and almost embarrassed.

"....The night before you left to join the Guardians." At her words, she felt him still for a moment, and she did not doubt how Saito-san was recalling it as the incident as the last time when she had been actually hurt before he left to spy on Itou-san... though what she was thinking of was very different. That night, Yamazaki-san had offered to help her with treating her wound, and while she did trust him and understood just as well as he did in how gender meant nothing when it came to treating injuries given the similarities in their backgrounds, at the time, Chizuru hadn't been able to accept his help since she was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of letting anyone know about the secret of her body's unnatural healing. As a result of that way of thinking, she had dealt with her injury alone then... whereas now... "While it's true that I trusted the Shinsengumi with my life back then... I didn't think I could ever tell anyone about my body's secret other than my father since I didn't want to be treated as a monster... though I know that's changed now."

"Yukimura... don't speak of yourself like that." He tugged at her chin so that they faced each other, and while she could see that he understood the extent of her trust and how Saito-san was even a bit flustered from her words, he looked genuinely upset...

"It's because of what I was able to protect you Saito-san... though I know you don't want me doing that." Chizuru only shook her head to him, and she could see his eyes widen in surprise before a pained smile surfaced onto his face. Seeing his expression... she turned her gaze away since she didn't want to argue with him right now since she knew that Saito-san more than disagreed with her behaving rashly... and she couldn't help but wonder how was it that she had somehow manage to hurt him while trying to protect him....?

As Chizuru considered the question, her eyes drifted over to her kodachi which had been deposited to the other side of her futon. One of the reasons why she insisted in following Saito-san to wherever he fought was partly owed to her desire to be there for him when he dealing with his condition... the only way, however small it was, where she could truly share in his suffering... but it was pointless to only be reacting all the time. Her brow twitched slightly in realization at what that meant, and while she had no idea if that would even work, Saito-san gave no indication if he knew that she had decided on something she did not doubt he would disapprove of as he resumed tending to her. Still... no matter what he felt... Chizuru knew she couldn't allow Saito-san stop her from honouring the promise she made him when they left Edo when it came to wielding her blade...

"...I'm going to bandage your shoulder now as disinfecting your injury does not appear possible." Having spoken, Saito-san began wrapping a clean strip of cloth around her shoulder, and she could tell that he doing it in such a way that it wouldn't cause her too many problems when using her arm later as his hands moved around her. Aside from herself and Yamazaki-san, she was sure that Saito-san was probably the best at doing this from the Shinsengumi and Aizu since he had helped her quite a bit when she had been treating the injured members of the Shinsengumi after the Battle of Toba-Fushimi under the instruction of Dr. Matsumoto. She however did think that compared to then, his actions were quicker than usual, though Chizuru had a feeling that his haste was owed to her current state of dress....

After Saito-san finished with bandaging her shoulder and deftly helped her into her clean clothes, he gently rested a hand against the side of her face, likely so that he could peer directly into her eyes to clearly see if she was trying to put up a strong front for his sake. "Is there any discomfort?"

"No, it's fine. Really... thank you. For everything." Normally... he shouldn't even be here with her right now since after a fight he was supposed to go and speak to the other commanders to update them on the latest encounter with Imperials forces and to asses the damage their soldiers had taken, while Chizuru would usually be tending to the wounded when that happened... though she had a feeling that no one would allow her to do so tonight given how fast bad news could spread. "You should go meet the other commanders now... they're probably waiting for you."

While there was a clear unwillingness on his face at her words, Saito-san knew that she didn't want him to do anything that could risk compromising his honour and commitments... something that she knew that he would regret, because of her, and he let out a long out a sigh that Chizuru wasn't sure if it was more in frustration or resignation, as he looked in the direction of where the command tent was. "...I will be here when you return, Saito-san."

"Yukimura..." He paused, furrowing his brows deeply, and she could tell that he was deliberating with himself as he turned back to her. "Are you... will you be going to sleep now?" Listening to Saito-san's words now.. which sounded more like a plea than a question as he gently stroked the side of her cheeks, he looked pained. To hear him ask her to do something that she herself knew he was not comfortable with... knowing how if she asked him to do the same, he would not have been able to commit to resting given their situation... was enough to tell her that she needed to do _something_ to help his current state of mind before he went.

"Yes.... I think I'll do that. I'm feeling bit tired now." For Saito-san's sake... Chizuru spoke as if she was fatigued, and after he blew out all candles in their tent save for one, she outstretched her arms towards him. "...Can I have a hug and kiss before you go?"

For what must have been the first time tonight, Chizuru saw a small but _real_ smile on Saito-san's face, and she noted how a tender look filled his eyes at her almost childish request before his arms enveloped her in his warmth. While his lower lip quivered slightly against hers as they touched, theirs was hardly a chaste kiss as Chizuru felt Saito-san's tongue gently push into her mouth. Although his action came as a bit of a surprise to her given how reserved he usually was, she knew he was passionate when he wanted to be, though this time, all she could feel was desperation and relief from him as he claimed her...

"...Have you passed out already?" There was an almost prideful look on Saito-san's face when Chizuru realized that their lips were no longer locked together, though she could still see traces of sorrow in his expression as his hands held her arms steady as she came out her daze, feeling quite breathless. She was certain that her cheeks were redder than they had ever been before as he helped her into her futon before shaking his head. "Thank you for this.... now please, get some sleep, Yukimura...."

"Okay, Saito-san...good-night..." There was an obvious reluctance in the man's eyes as he carefully laid her blanket over her. Taking solace in how he looked a bit better now as he stroked her cheeks again, Chizuru closed her eyes. She hoped that tomorrow... there wouldn't be so much fighting going on so that she could actually rest and not worry Saito-san, but like so many other things that happened, Chizuru knew that those circumstances were beyond her control...


	2. Chapter 2

Saito felt his heart tighten as their tent came back into sight as he held Chizuru's wet clothes in his arms. After his meeting with the other commanders, he had gone back to retrieve them to wash them since he truly wanted the reminder of his failure removed as soon as possible, though he knew that Chizuru would have washed the bloodstains out later since she wanted to minimize how often he had to deal with his bloodlust.

Even though he did not say it, no matter whose it was... Saito always felt a hunger inside him awaken at the sight and scent of blood. Normally, that involved dealing with the loss of his mind and senses at varying degrees, to which he was able to tolerate for the most part, but in the thick of battle... it made him crave more than the lives of the soldiers he reaped with his blade. Even though he had to admit that it was getting harder and harder to fight these urges as the fighting and his bloodlust intensified in Aizu, he could not, and would not allow himself to succumb to his weakness as no matter where he was, Chizuru was almost never far from his side. Because she was watching... he had the strength and ability to endure any pain that was inflicted upon him... and because she was watching, he was able to push himself to his limits time and time again despite how much his mind and body were screaming for him to do otherwise and give in.

Chizuru's very presence was a balm that soothed his soul, and having her near him greatly reduced the number of nightmares he had of what losing control of himself to the madness would entail. To fail in curbing his worst instincts after promising himself that he would protect Chizuru until his last breath, would in itself be a betrayal of all the ideals he had sworn to uphold as a samurai and everything he stood for as the Shinsengumi's Third Division Captain - the last of the Shinengumi's captains... was simply unacceptable, but more importantly, it would mean betraying the faith and trust she had in him, and forever put him out of Chizuru's reach.

If he fell with her watching... he was terrified of what the consequences would be since he knew how Chizuru did not fear death as long as she was with him... and he could not bring himself to renege on his promise to keep her with him. Regardless of how perilous their circumstances were, he had done everything he could to assist Chizuru in fulfilling that promise by teaching her what he could on concealment and manoeuvrability so that she had the means to follow wherever he went and to reduce the likelihood of her perceiving herself as a distraction on the battlefield, despite how disturbed he was watching how Chizuru became accustomed to the sound of gunfire and cannons, and the smell of blood and rotting flesh, as she was continuously exposed to the expiration of life and the desecration of the fallen at his side.

Perhaps if he could bring himself to ignore Chizuru's motivations, which he knew were as beautiful and pure as freshly fallen snow, he might be able to order Chizuru into not accompanying him when he fought, and although Saito was fairly sure that she would obey his words if they were spoken with enough desperation, he'd sooner injure his left hand and have his swords destroyed before banishing her away from him knowing what his own self desired, and what she wanted. Ever since she came into his life, Saito had always done his best to respect to respect the path that Chizuru chose to walk, and although her mind was no longer the mystery it once was since he now understood how so many of her actions were driven out of her concern and love for him, it could be excruciating difficult at times to acknowledge how that meant accepting the resolve Chizuru had to put her life on the line to be with him, as the extent of how far she could could often surprised him... and scared him.

In his heart, he knew the woman he had fallen in love with was the same as the one who had willingly offered to sacrifice her own future to Kazama if it meant that he lived, though that hardly assured him whenever Chizuru cut herself and bled for him... since he knew that _she knew_  that he would never sate his thirst with anyone else's blood but hers. Even now, Saito understood that Chizuru would give her life for him without a second thought if it meant he lived... though he could not bear the thought of her doing so for him or what such a life without her in his world would entail and he did not believe that he had the strength to live without her. Without Chizuru, he felt incomplete, and Saito would sooner be killed than allow someone to take her away from him...

* * *

There had been a number of people from the Shinsengumi members who had stayed in Aizu with him, and from the domain itself who asked him of Chizuru's condition seeing the blood on her, and thankfully none of the other commanders rejected his request to give her a day's rest if circumstances allowed for it, despite how it was common knowledge, and an agreed upon fact by the other commanders, that Chizuru was to hold no formal position among the Aizu or the Shinsengumi who had remained with him, and was only be treated at most, as his page, since now that Kazama was dead, Chizuru technically had no reason other reason to stay aside from her desire to stay with him. Knowing that, he wanted to ensure that Chizuru was able to freely move as she pleased and was not bound by any responsibility or duty, though that had not stopped her from spending almost all her waking hours when she wasn't gathering edible and medical plants, cooking or following him wherever circumstances demanded tending to the wounded due to the Aizu having no doctor. Hers was a self-imposed role that had led to Chizuru collapsing from overworking more than once... so logically, it was understandable to see the concern for Chizuru from so many as an injury like the one she suffered would normally require a significant time that they did not have to heal. Unfortunately, Saito also understood how unlikely it was for Chizuru to take even more than a day's rest for appearance's sake, even if he did not want anyone suspecting her to be different since one of the last things he wanted was for Chizuru to be targeted again because of her heritage, as she only wanted to do everything in her power to support him, just as he supported the Aizu.

A melancholic sigh escaped his lips as Saito found himself back in darkness of their tent and was greeted by the quiet sound of Chizuru's breathing as she slept. She sounded so peaceful right now... to the point where Saito almost wanted to question that she had been involved in such a dangerous situation earlier... Under normal circumstances, precarious as they were, he would welcomed back by a gentle but loving smile and a pot of Chizuru's delicious tea if she managed to obtain the resources when his duties kept him away from her. Whenever he had to attend emergency strategy meetings that always went late into the night, or needed to leave without a word since there was no time to inform Chizuru that he was needed, or if she couldn't be contacted since she couldn't leave a patient- though he would ensure that someone would leave her a message regarding his whereabouts if he was able, no matter the time and however tired she was, Chizuru would always be waiting for his return.

_But if she wasn't unable to..._

After hanging up her clothes to dry on a makeshift rack, for a moment, Saito allowed himself to carefully reflect on the night's earlier event itself. Although what happened, and how no traces of her wound remained when he had begun tending to where it had been, it was a very real reminder of how Chizuru wasn't human and would recover from any injury at a supernatural speed, he knew better that most how bullets and blades were blind on the battlefield... In the instant he saw Chizuru throw herself into harm's way to protect him when he had collapsed because of his condition, his entire body had been seized by a sense of agony he had never known, and when he heard the bullet meant for him hit Chizuru.... Saito thought his own heart would stop. _If_ she had been hit in her vitals... _if_ she had taken a fatal injury...

He shook his head as if to dispel such thoughts as he carefully laid his hand on Chizuru's forehead, brushing aside the loose strands of her hair to check her temperature since he couldn't help but be worried about her coming down with a fever as that often occurred to those who suffered from gunshot wounds... Thankfully, that didn't seem to be the case right now, and after letting out a small sigh of relief as he had never been so thankful at how Chizuru wasn't an ordinary human, Saito felt a weak smile forming on his face since he was incredibly grateful that she had listened to him and gone to sleep... as she could not object to him like this.

"Chizuru... I am so sorry." Even if it was for his own peace of mind, he needed to apologize to her to help dull the pain he felt in his heart since Chizuru had specifically said he could not claim responsibility for the decision she had been driven to despite how every fibre of his body desperately wanted to in order to assuage his own emotions... Emotions that Saito knew of his own inadequacies in addressing given his tendency to ignore them, especially as he wasn't entirely sure how to deal with them since they filled him with so much uncertainty when they concerned Chizuru. Despite how he very much wanted to outright to defy her wishes, even if that meant going against all that his honour and discipline as a warrior demanded... he knew that the words she had spoken... were out of consideration for him. More than anyone, she knew how his heart would react and wouldn't want him to endure what he was feeling now... such was her kindness.

It was the same kindness that drove Chizuru into risking herself to bring a riceball to Heisuke when he had been punished, and was why she went out of her way to cook nutrious meals for Souji while desperately trying to act as she didn't know about his disease before the others did, even as she did her best to learn more about medical treatments from Yamazaki so that she could increase the ways she could help the Shinsengumi since she did not see herself as one being confined and monitored as a potential liability, but as someone who was a potential burden that could not do nothing while receiving assistance. In the same way, Saito believed that this was why Chizuru felt obligated to repay him for saving her life for so long and why he never dared to allow himself to think of how some of her actions towards him - holding his hand until he slept after accidentally revealing how he had done the same for her when she was feverish while he made a fool of himself, of how she offered her blood to him, or how she offered the words that cleared away his mind's greatest burdens while supporting him, wasn't due to anything more than an extension of the kindness she never stopped showing despite how much he wished it otherwise as he found his heart yearning for hers. Unfortunately, it was because Chizuru was so kind and thoughtful did Saito know that he had been unable to realize the extent of her feelings for him for so long, or how _he_ was the one she wanted to help more than anyone since nothing she did ever felt unnatural when taking her considerate and caring nature into account.... For the same reason, it had been why he was extremely perplexed the first time she cut herself and offered her own blood to him since he knew she had never once done such a thing for Heisuke or Sanan-san, though he understood how Chizuru blamed herself for his decision to drink the Ochimizu whereas the others had different circumstances...

Only for him would Chizuru resort to the most selfless and drastic of actions, and Saito could practically imagine Sano berating him for putting the woman he loved in a position where she felt it necessary to protect him because she was so afraid of losing him despite the danger to her own life... As Saito pressed a gentle kiss to Chizuru's forehead before slipping into his futon beside her, he couldn't help but feel ashamed of himself. While there was no denying how much he wanted for her to stay with him, Chizuru deserved so much better than what he had done to her.... and he knew he needed to do something to prevent what happened from ever occurring again, especially since he doubted that this incident would deter Chizuru from following him. Even when she had been shot... even when she looked so pale and he thought that she was going to pass out, her first concern had been for him, and not to herself... This response she had shown him... Saito had a feeling that how upset he was in response to such care for him on her part, was similar to how Chizuru must have felt whenever he said that he did not deserve her concern.

Closing his eyes as he grasped at Chizuru's hand and weaved her slender fingers into his, he bitterly thought of how right Kazama had been when he spoke of how worthless honour was as it couldn't even feed a dog. No matter his pride, honour or convictions... it was all worth less than nothing if he couldn't protect the woman he loved... No matter how much he loved Chizuru or how powerful the bond shared between them was... and despite how everything could be so easily severed in this land of death they were in, he knew that Chizuru was the first person he always wanted to be at his side while she was also the last one he wanted remotely near, let alone actually on a battlefield... and yet, hadn't he promised himself - hadn't he sworn, that whatever the cost, he would stay with Chizuru?

Ignoring how he instinctively knew how such a cost would surely increase at the expense of his own mental well-being knowing Chizuru's seemingly endless capacity to sacrifice herself to him, and his own ability to underestimate her, all he could do now was hope that he do now was dream of a time and place where they could live together where the flames of war could not reach them as he refused to believe that they would not survive this together...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter. not feeling too well right now but the next will be alot longer than this one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should probably go and split up this chapter... or move the start of this one to the previous one.  
> ended up fixing this chapter a bit.

Sensing the lack of warmth in his hand, his entire body tensed as he was greeted by the sight of an empty futon upon opening his eyes. Reminding himself that this isn't the first time that Chizuru has woken up before him, and that it certainly wouldn't be the last given the Aizu's current circumstances, even if he usually woke up earlier than her, Saito could only let out a hopeless sigh as he did his best to calm himself. She was supposed to be resting right now... Turning his attention to her futon, the lack of warmth in the bedding indicated that Chizuru had been awake likely for more than an hour... but the fact that she had left him the charm that contained the sakura petal that he had given to her years ago resting on her pillow, as part of their communication system to inform the other of their whereabouts if they had to be woken up in the middle of the night or before daybreak, meant that she had a medical emergency to attend to.

After carefully slipping the charm into a pocket of his jacket, knowing that Chizuru was aware of how he preferred her to be carrying it given the sentiment she protected for him, he understood that she was trying to assure him that he didn't need to be worrying about her... though it would be easier to expect him to cut his heart out or commit seppuku than to do that. Pushing that thought aside as he started his routine check of their belongings to determine how many bandages needed to be replaced because of what happened yesterday, which Chizuru usually insisted on doing despite how she used them almost exclusively for him because of how she wanted to alleviate his condition, Saito felt himself reflexively furrow his brows seeing how Chizuru's knives - scalpels they were called, which Heisuke had lifted off Kodo and slipped to him before their parting, were missing... meaning that it was highly likely that Chizuru had to tend to gunshot wounds... and likely needing to extract bullets from someone, which he knew that Chizuru was, quite frankly, not comfortable with as she was not professionally trained to do so though Dr. Matsumoto had walked her through the procedure a few times, and had made such a fact very clear to everyone.

A melancholic sigh escaped his lips as he picked up Chizuru's bag once he finished with his task and readied himself for the day. While he earnestly hoped that she had a decent night of sleep considering what happened, he also knew that lack of rest would not keep her away from helping the Aizu. Regardless, he did not have the time to dwell on his concern for her right now since he knew of how unlikely it was for Chizuru to have eaten yet if she had gone directly to the medical tents, and needed to procure something for her to eat since he was vehemently against the idea of Chizuru not taking proper care of herself knowing her tendency to overlook her own self in favour of others...

Unfortunately, fate appears to have a very different idea as he's directed to meet the other commanders almost immediately, and Saito barely has enough time to make arrangements with one of the Aizu's soldiers to deliver Chizuru's bag to her, inform her of his whereabouts and ensure that she that she gets something to eat, and do so himself before he once again finds himself amidst the smell of gunfire, smoke and blood again.

* * *

A frown was forming on Chizuru's face as she rubbed her eyes before she began washing her needles and scalpels again for what felt like the hundredth time today, having finished stitching yet another injury, and having removed yet another bullet. To say that she was tired was an understatement given her lack of sleep as she had been woken up just before the crack of dawn, though her increased mental fatigue was more owed to how she had been constantly trying shut out the conversations around her since she knew that it would only cause her to hear more news about wherever Saito-san was off fighting.

Normally, if she wasn't at his side, she would have been stationed a lot closer to where the fighting was given her tasks, but as the Imperials had apparently engaged with the Aizu's forces extremely close to where their camps of civilians were, orders had immediately been given to try driving the them back in order to buy time to allow the non-combatants to retreat further into the domain even before she had been woken up, and she had been informed that the Aizu wanted her to stay with the wounded in case a more drastic retreat needed to be called. Such a 'command' unfortunately meant that Chizuru could not simply abandon those in her care despite how she knew that she was not bound by the Aizu's orders as Saito-san had repeatedly stressed that point to her, and while she understood his intentions... she was very clear on when ignoring orders could cause serious problems like now.

Chizuru sighed aloud when she finished and promptly dried her tools before putting them away in her bag along with the bandages she needed replenished, and she immediately excused herself from the medical tent as she truly needed a break, taking the cold soup and riceballs that had been set aside for her hours ago after she informed one of the soldiers that she was going to be heading back to her tent to rest should they need her.... Perhaps it was owed to what happened last night, and how bad news had a tendency to spread quickly, and how she had already missed breakfast and lunch, did the soldier she speak to vigourously encourage her to take her time despite how the wounded were continuously being brought in, though it was also true how there were significantly less now when compared to earlier, how more of the soldiers knew how to care for the more relatively simple injuries, and if another emergency arose, she would be contacted.

On her way back, Chizuru did her best to avoid as many people as possible since she knew that Saito-san didn't like the idea of people suspecting that she wasn't human though each of them had no idea if the Aizu knew of the Oni, and because she wanted to avoid becoming invested in anyone. Unlike the battlefield where swords clashed and guns were drawn, watching someone die in the medical tent area when they were under her care... truly took on a different toll. While there had been many lives she helped save, there were countless others who she still didn't know if they would make it, and even more who died of their injuries as they were past the point of saving. At some point, Chizuru knew that she herself had shut off parts of herself from feeling too much since she didn't want to process all the death around her, and was taking steps to protect her mind from it, though she also acknowledged that despite how she appreciated the Aizu's generosity, she would be able to tolerate how heartbroken she would feel if the domain was destroyed. Apathetically speaking, the Aizu were mostly strangers to Chizuru, with her viewing some of them as close acquaintances at best depending on who was able to help her with her medical duties, and while she would perceive their demise as a tragic and wasteful loss of life, they weren't like the members of the Shinsengumi who she truly cared for... or Saito-san.

Upon reaching their tent, she sighed aloud, taking in the sight of the first signs of twilight in the direction she knew where the latest fighting was in before heading inside, and slumping onto his futon. She hadn't seen him all day... and while Chizuru wanted nothing more than to be at his side to see if he was okay, she had to admit how she was partially thankful at how she had been hurt when she considered how it meant that Saito-san had drank her blood last night. Judging from the wounds she had treated, and how she had acknowledged that there was nothing she could have down to help at least twelve of the Aizu this morning save for easing their passing, she could only imagine how bad the fighting was... and how terrible the impact of the carnage he witnessed would be on his mind.

As Chizuru halfheartedly started eating, noting how little appetite she had because of how worried she was, but knowing that Saito-san had arranged the food for her, she shook her head, desperately trying to stop herself from imagining Saito-san's suffering, though that was easier said than done as his absence was crushing. Not knowing about what was happening to Saito-san, but knowing that he was likely in the thick of battle and getting shot at... it was so much worse when compared to when she was missing her father as unlike then, she had to the Shinsengumi to rely on for her mental support whereas now... all she had was herself when it came to worrying about him.

The reality of fighting in war had made Chizuru was very aware that Saito-san was all she had... which was both liberating and terrifying. On one hand, it meant that she could overlook almost everything that wasn't related to him, but it also meant that she was extremely concerned with everything that that he was involved in.... as he was her heart. After watching his back for so long... she had to wonder... when did it get so hard to watch him go? How had she gotten to the point where watching him repeatedly push himself again and again became almost unbearable?

Even now, she could not help but consider that he might be in pain... especially since knew that there was always a real chance that the Imperials might start using silver bullets if they had managed to identify Saito-san as a rasetsu. Part of her had always hoped that such weapons had been sent north because of Shinsengumi's rasetsu, but she knew that the corps had never recovered their numbers after Kazama had slaughtered them back in Kyoto... and while Chizuru did not wish harm on Heisuke-kun or the others, rightly or wrongly, it made more sense for such a scenario to occur because of how expensive silver was.

After Chizuru finished her soup and started eating one of her riceballs, being unable to taste little more than ash because her melancholy, she sighed aloud again. This pain she kept hidden inside of her... although she had gotten significantly better at hiding it and her distress from Saito-san, she knew that he was aware of it since he made a conscious effort of not bringing up subjects he knew that would cause her more sadness which he wanted to protect her from... though this grief was something that she could only face alone.

In all honesty, Chizuru doubted that Saito-san understood the extent of how much she worried for him since he was extremely bad at practising self-care, especially when it concerned his condition, and there had been countless times where she questioned if he knew that he was irreplaceable to her given his actions... like last night when he collapsed. Of all the times she had seen him fight... last night, Chizuru truly thought he would have died even she hadn't stepped in, rasetsu or not... and she knew that she would have to muster her own courage to get him to agree what she had thought of if she wanted him to live... whether he liked it or not.

A weak laugh escaped her lips as Chizuru imagined an indignant Saito-san for a moment, and she gripped the hilt of her kodachi almost instinctively. If Saito-san was someone who would repeatedly push the limits of what his body... then she too would push herself to become someone who would allow him to stand tall in reaching those limits... for his sake, and for hers for she refused to be idle... Even if she knew that by hurting him with her decision, she would be hurt as well.... it was something that she knew that only she could do...  
  
Fortunately, Chizuru did not dwell on such a bitter notion for long as her thoughts were disrupted from hearing a relatively loud commotion from outside. She blinked hard. A significant number of voices speaking all at once and a rather large number of footsteps usually only meant one thing since the alternative meant the camp was probably being overrun... and Chizuru immediately headed off in the direction of where the latest fighting was while she did her best to ignore seeing the wounded being carried in since her primary concern right now was seeing Saito-san...

When Chizuru finally reached the edge of camp, there was a relatively large crowd of people standing around, likely discussing the state of latest fight, and while she couldn't didn't see Saito-san, she knew that he had to be okay since she would have already been informed immediately if anything happened to him.... which meant that he was still at the rear of the Aizu's returning forces who were still in the process of returning. Despite the danger it posed, Chizuru understood that Saito-san usually volunteered for such a position since it would provide him with the opportunity and time if he needed it to supress his instincts as a rasetsu... and after taking a moment to look around but finding that she couldn't locate one of the commanders, Chizuru didn't bother saying anything else as she left the camp into the surrounding woods with her bag since she knew that she didn't have time to waste. Once they returned she would have to spend her time tending to the wounded again... and thankfully, most of the Aizu soldiers who recognized her knew that she always went looking for Saito-san regardless of what the circumstances were when a battle ended, but only after she ensured that she had been seen by enough by people since she didn't want to cause her disappearance to cause undue problems.

Following the trail of soldiers who were still making their way back to camp as she had done before, Chizuru silently greeted those she passed by, occasionally stopping to hand out bandages and administer first aid to those who needed it, though personal experience told her that she could never rely on the condition of the rear guard greatly for accurate information on the fight they and Saito-san had seen. While it was true that the soldiers who covered the retreat visibly comprised of the least injured when they did return, there were many more who didn't make it back, including those who were near death and wanted to die with honour by fighting until their last breath...

On this occasion, the soldiers she had passed by did not appear to be badly injured and the ones who she had treated earlier in the day had been in much dire straits, though their body language had told her another story. Walking further along, Chizuru came across less and less of the Aizu, and once she could no longer see anyone, she stopped.

"Saito-san?" Rather than wandering around and risk getting lost or captured when no one was in sight, he had told her that it was safer to call out for him, but only if she couldn't hear any signs of battle when it was night so that he find her himself as she couldn't be convinced to not go searching for him if she knew that he was fighting, and with her not as his side. "Saito-san, are you there?"

"Yukimura..." Saito-san appeared before her in the darkness seemingly from out of nowhere a short while later, and as his eyes flickered red, for a moment, it looked as if he wasn't entirely sure that he believed that she was there in front of him. "You are here."

"I wanted to see you." Chizuru smiled upon seeing his familiar figure, and she did not doubt how he had been double checking the perimeter as he always did as a precaution before revealing himself. It was an action that he had adopted ever since he made the decision to stay with the Aizu since neither of them had any illusions in how badly the Choshu wanted the Aizu dead, and she knew that he wanted to spare no effort in ensuring their survival... and hers.

"....So you did." His usually impeccable posture was slumped a bit as he he reached for her, and while Chizuru tried to push aside her thoughts of how she knew that his battle had not gone well... it was hard to ignore how he smelled heavily of blood since she knew that it would be tormenting his mind though she was greatly admired how he could be so composed and caring after witnessing so much death.

His touch is gentle as always as his fingers traced the side of her face, and seeing Saito-san look at her with eyes that were filled with a concern that she knew was only reserved for her, Chizuru's smile turned bitter as she braced herself and reached for her kodachi.

She took in a deep breath. No regrets. "Saito-san... there's something I need you to do for me."

* * *

"Saito-san...there's something I need you to do for me."

"What are you doing?" His eyes narrowed slightly, and he had spoken faster than he realized once he saw Chizuru reaching for her kodachi's hilt. Even before her fingers grasped it, he had noticed how her posture indicated that she was ready to draw it, and there was an unusual air of calm about her... one that Saito himself found disturbing and he instinctively reached for her blade, as if to keep it away from her, but Chizuru's hand was firm.

Seeing his response, Chizuru closed her eyes, shaking her head as she let out another deep breath, and when she looked back at him... Saito felt a chill go down his back seeing how distant she looked. "Heisuke-kun once said me that Sanan-san wanted wanted to modify the Ochimizu using my blood since I'm not human, and Sanan-san himself told me that my blood might be potent enough to counteract the madness of the rasetsu..."

Her words, though they were spoken barely above a whisper since there was the potential of someone hearing them, struck him harder than any bullet or blade ever could, and they unfortunately reminded him of the unanswered questions he had about the last time Chizuru had been hurt. To this day, he still had no idea if it was anything more than a coincidence for her to be attacked at their old headquarters, as logically, it didn't make sense given the proximity of her room to where the rasetsu had resided. Was it because her attacker had sensed that she was different that she had been singled out instead of it going after any of the other members of the Shinsengumi who were closer? And why was it that Sanan-san had been able to pull himself back from the brink of madness during the aftermath of that attack as opposed to the rasetsu that actually consumed her blood? Was it an effect of smelling the blood of a pure-blooded oni? Or was it because he had greater control over himself at the time?

"....So I want you to drink my blood once a day to try curbing your... episodes, Saito-san." Chizuru's expression was as sharp as a katana, and it made him think of their vice-commander... _no,_ their chief, Hijikata-san, when making a declaration of what was to be done rather than what was to be considered. As she shook away his hand and drew her kodachi with no hesitation in her movements, Saito noted how his own body had tensed since he understood the implication of what exactly Chizuru intended to do. While he knew that Chizuru would never hesitate in drawing her kodachi if it was for her own self-defence or for the sake of helping someone else, thereby discarding her own resolve to not hurt someone with her blade....but her last reason... "Think of this as taking medicine that offsets your pain."

 _"No."_  He speaks up before she can continue, seizing the hand that held her blade, but the fierce determination in Chizuru's normally warm and caring eyes told him that she was determined to follow through with her words no matter what he said. It was in her eyes that he saw her unyielding strength that he had come to recognize after she had helped see his own.... eyes that would never lie to him, and even now, spoke of her desire to fight alongside him and support everything he did...

"Even if you say no... I will not, and cannot agree with you. Not this time." Her gaze breaks away from him for a moment, looking up towards the clouded moon, and he could hear her faintly whisper _"it would hurt me too much to,"_ before looking back at him. "Saito-san... last night... I told myself that I would be doing this, no matter what you say. You should know by now how your condition isn't something that you can control just by willing it.... and while I know you're more than capable of hiding your affliction from by staying away from me... I don't want to be in the knowledge that you might be suffering from this when you're fighting. If that happened..."

Her eyes resembled small flames, and for a moment, Saito thought a golden light shone in them as Chizuru gritted her teeth. "I have watched may people die, Saito-san... So many deaths caused by blades and guns... so many that I have been unable to save despite my best efforts to keep them alive." She paused for a moment, shaking her head as she looked down. "As the daughter of a doctor and as someone who is nothing but burden in an actual fight, I am very aware of what my limits are... and of what I can and cannot do to help someone live.... and that applies to you as well."

Chizuru had moved her kodachi so that its blade pointed upwards and in his direction, looking as poised and graceful as a samurai in the moonlight. "Saito-san, if there is even the slightest possibility of something helping you... I will spare nothing in seeing it done... especially when it comes to preventing you from experiencing that agony when you're fighting again as I have long accepted how you may never return to me, Saito-san... However... I can not accept... no, I _refuse_  to accept doing nothing if I know that I can do something that might help you..." Her eyelashes fluttered, and there were signs of tears forming in her eyes as she looked at him. "It would better to ask me to feign ignorance to all my feelings and ignore my own heart than that... "

Chizuru's voice cracked as she held his gaze, and Saito knew that he could not handle her baring her heart to like this... and he carefully pulled at her wrist in order to divert her blade away to hold him against his chest. Almost immediately, her kodachi clattered to the ground as her arms embraced him, her fingers digging into his back as she held him.

"....I understand Yukimura." Chizuru's words were like a blade that had been driven into his heart, and Saito could not help but think of the last times he had seen Souji... and the pain he had seen in his friend's eyes, knowing that he was being left behind, forever unable to fulfill his heart's desire and what he saw as his purpose and reason for living. To Souji, being unable to lift up his sword was worse than a death sentence as it meant that he could no longer carry on as one of the Shinsengumi's swords to help Kondou-san.... and as if he had already resigned himself to such a fate, Saito had heard Souji speak derisively of himself when he thought that no one was around about how he was "doomed to die in bed." It was Souji's anguish and pain that Saito had often tried imagining during the earliest experiences of his bloodlust since he was all but certain that he would never be able to accept being forcibly deprived of his swords again... and there was no way he could forgive himself if he knowingly subjected Chizuru to such emotions. "...I apologize for not considering your feelings... and for what this has done to you."

She shook her head. "My life is yours to have, Saito-san... but I am just like you, you know. My body might heal quickly because of what I am.... but my heart... there are certain things I don't believe that it can allow or heal from." Chizuru's voice is quiet again but her voice was shaky, and Saito knew that she was fighting back against desperate tears, as even now, she was thinking of him first. "Just as I know how you would regret turning your back on the Aizu... I would regret it forever knowing if I did nothing to at least try and alleviate your pain knowing that you could fall if you didn't drink my blood... and I would never forgive myself.." Her body trembled in his arms as she spoke, and Saito truly worried that Chizuru would suddenly break if he stopped holding her. "This is nothing when compared to all the times you've saved me and the kindness that you've shown me that I can never repay you for... and this is the only thing I can do for you..."

Hearing such words from Chizuru, Saito wanted to retort how that wasn't true, how what she had said was anything but the truth, or how she was the one who stopped his soul from being devoured by madness, and how he gained so much from simply being at her side as she was indispensable to his mind, body and soul, but he held his tongue as he felt the wall Chizuru was trying to put up come crashing down as she sobbed into his chest. The last time Chizuru had been in such a state was when she had been blaming herself for being the cause of her father's actions and that of the oni... and there was no doubt in his mind of how this was his fault. Regardless of his intentions... regardless of how he didn't never meant to hurt her, he knew that he had as her words echoed in his mind. _Until I can no longer breathe, I am yours_. How could he have done something so terrible to the one who only wished he best for him?

He holds Chizuru as close as he is able to, and gradually, he could feel her relax as she as her breathing calmed. In his heart, Saito knew that if he fell to his knees and begged for her forgiveness, he did not doubt... rather, he knew that Chizuru would immediately grant it... such was her benevolence, but it would be meaningless if he hurt her again. Casting his gaze towards her kodachi, he let out a deep breath. Aside from his commitment to the Aizu, there was no doubt in Saito's mind who his heart had chosen to serve as long as he lived.

When he sensed that Chizuru's tears stopped for he could not bear to see them now if she was crying because of his behaviour, he gripped her shoulders to steady himself as he forced himself to meet her gaze. "Yukimura... I... I am your sword... and as your sword, all I ask is to be there for you whenever you need me." There was a complicated look in her expression as she nodded hesitantly, and Saito wondered if Chizuru remembered how he once told her that he had no doubt that she would have her kodachi at her side when she needed it most back in Kyoto.

"However.... although it may go against your wishes, permit me to say that I do not ever want yout to wield your blade for my sake or be at risk of claiming the lives of others... and allow me to be the one responsible for when you do spill blood." Her eyes widened and he could see how Chizuru was looking at him almost nervously as he picked up her kodachi. Although she was not a samurai, Saito had no words to describe how gratified he felt in knowing how Chizuru understood the weight he attached to wielding his blade as a warrior... and hers. Having cut Chizuru's delicate skin before, he was all the more assured in his desire to see that her hands remained untainted by carnage despite how it was a selfish wish that did not take any of Chizuru's own thoughts or the resolve she had to stand on a battlefield into consideration.

Ever since the Aburano Koji Incident where he could clearly remember how Chizuru displayed her willingness to help with Itou-san's assassination despite how it would mean dirtying her own hands, and how grateful he had felt when she heeded Kondou-san's words and ended up not participating despite how that ultimately ended up with her seeing a great deal of bloodshed, Saito wanted to ensure that Chizuru was never at the risk of possibly being corrupted and irrevocably changed by the act of taking someone's life as he firmly believed that her hands were not meant for causing harm. While Saito himself was acutely aware that of how his only true true gift was killing as his hands and sword had been dyed with blood countless times, and how Sanan-san had spoken of how a rasetsu's only purose of existence was to do battle, he took pride in knowing how he was using those same hands and sword to protect his most beloved from being tainted by violence and wielding her sword.

"...I understand, Saito-san, but I cannot willingly do nothing when the person I love most is hurt. I am not, and cannot be that kind of person." As he held her kodachi between them, Chizuru had a forced smile on her lips as she tenderly gazed at her reflection off the blade. Although he could see pain in Chizuru's expression... he could also make out genuine relief - the same relief he had seen when she had been shot and saw that he had been unharmed as she spoke softly in a voice that commanded the entirety his attention. Despite how Chizuru had never said anything, he had long suspected that this was one of her ulterior motives for following him as he went into battle, and was why he always did his best to hold on until they returned to camp. "Saito-san...for me, being with you is all I need, and if this path means that I get hurt... so be it." Chizuru let out a deep breath as she moved her hand to grip the hand that he was using to grip her kodachi, and her entire expression was resolute as it had been earlier. "I want to always be at your side, Saito-san... Not just to happy, but to also feel your pain and sorrow... to share what you feel because I love you... So please... please promise to do what I have asked, as I truly believe that this will help you."

Saito could only acknowedge his defeat at such words, and acknowledge that he could only do what she asked of him, and exactly as she asked, though that hardly helped him with the guilt he felt from accepting Chizuru's blood. Regardless of how she had freely offered herself to him because of her kindness - one that felt more like a poison despite how he was all to ready to consume it as it, he always felt ashamed of his own feelings when he drank her blood. Aside from how disgusted he felt from knowing how he was craving blood from the woman he was in love with, knowing that it was necessary to maintain himself, Saito could not deny how he took pleasure from the intimacy it brought him, and he himself knew that a darker part of himself truly enjoyed knowing how, in a twisted way, he was essentially using Chizuru for her body as everything she was... was his to claim, and by taking her blood, she was giving him her life for his own, which he was then able to use protect her with.

Whether or not this way of thinking owed to the Ochimizu tainting his mind, which he earnestly hoped was not the case for he feared that everything about him aside from his love for Chizuru would become unrecognizable to her and to himself, or his own honest thoughts, both of which he had confided in her to some degree, Chizuru had assured him that nothing would ever be change her love for him, and that she would accept his darkness without a second thought... Holding Chizuru's cheek with his other hand so he could see her better as such thoughts went through his mind, Saito brushed his thumb over her lips as he peered into her eyes. Knowing that she would not let this go... and that she would fight anyone, including him so that he could live made him feel conflicted and touched by her feelings, and he knew, whatever the cost, he would pay it to be together with her... and as long as she was by his side, he could endure any pain... even hers. "I promise.... though you must in turn tell me if this ever makes you feel unwell."

"Yes, I will... and thank you." Chizuru bowed her head as he released her to focus on her blade. _As her sword, he would move without hesitation in accordance to her will..._  Like the other time he had done this, he moved her kodachi to her right ear, a location he had chosen based on its visibility whenever he looked into Chizuru's honest eyes that would always remind him of how he could not recklessly use his abilities as a rasetsu, and of the responsibility he had with her life... though it was no longer just because of duty that he cared for her. His flower that bloomed amidst withering desolation.

Chizuru winced slightly as the cold steel sliced into her flesh before showing him a gentle smile and tilting her ear towards him. After he flicked the blood off her blade, Saito gently held her her shoulder and wrapped his other hand around her neck to pull Chizuru closer to him, carefully moving his lips to tend to the cut he had inflicted, all while trying to ignore how wrong his actions felt... Perhaps it was because Chizuru sensed his turmoil and discomfort this time, did he feel the warmth of her hands envelop the hand that was resting on her shoulder give him a reassuring squeeze. She tasted more than sweet...

After he was sure that the cut sealed itself, the taste of her blood still lingering in his mouth, Saito is the first to pull himself away, but as Chizuru had not released him, he stopped. Was something wrong? "...Yukimura?"

Chizuru says nothing as she took his hand from her shoulder and awkwardly moved to place it over his heart along with her own, her fingers between the gaps of his as he met her gaze. Unlike how she had been moments ago, he could see traces of nervousness in Chizuru's eyes as a weak smile formed on her lips. "Um. I'm sorry, Saito-san. For putting you through this... but I want you to know that given the choice, I would do this all over again in a heartbeat as I want to do everything to ensure you live... and if you're going to be my sword, I need to know that you'll be coming back to me... alive so that we can be together."

...Hearing such words being so seriously spoken, a part of him was thrilled to receive such a request from Chizuru, though he knew it wouldn't be in her nature to say anything else, but he truly wished that he could stop himself from being constantly surprised by Chizuru's honesty since he wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or cry. As badly as he wanted to protect Chizuru and keep her at his side, she wanted the the same of him... if not more than he did. She had the will and conviction to do whatever it took to see that he was safe...  

"I understand... but please don't ever do that again." Without him directly referring to what he meant, he understood that Chizuru knew exactly what he was speaking of... and while he could accept her desire to protect him... he did not want her doing so on in a fight, as quite frankly, Saito did not believe his heart could handle a next time. 

"I won't... because I know you, Saito-san... just as I know that this will never happen to you again." There is only absolute certainty in her voice as she spoke, and her words echoed the how assured Chizuru had been when she concluded, as if it were a fact, and as if she hadn't even considered the possibility of him being consumed by the madness of the Ochimizu, that there was no way for him to lose himself like Sanan-san had despite his own concerns.... and as if she knew of his doubts now, Chizuru let out a rather strained laugh as she moved her free hand to slightly pull back at the fabric of her clothes over her right side to reveal the bandages beneath that he had dressed her with that she likely did not need anymore. There was what he could only describe as an almost daring look in her serene eyes. "Saito-san... did you know? They say that the most effective medicine tastes the most bitter."

He swallowed hard, and he knew that Chizuru didn't need to say anymore having utilized such a tactic. Despite the bitterness he instinctively felt in his heart as his eyes widened and his jaw tightened as part of his immediate reaction to the truth, he felt reignited with purpose. In spite of his own failure... his own weakness and inadequacies... her words told him that Chizuru still trusted him wholeheartedly... and believed in him when he would not. ".....Indeed."

Their hands lingered together for a while longer, and as much as he wanted to stay with Chizuru like this, they both knew that they could not, and as if she knew of his concerns, Chizuru withdrew her touch before he could since she knew he found it exceedingly difficult to be parted from her whenever they had time alone together.

"Saito-san... let's go back now." Offering her hand before him as she takes a step back towards camp, she looks at him questioningly and waits. Despite how Saito honestly believed how he would agree to anything that Chizuru demanded of him if she ordered him as he was committed to walk his path at her side, she had never done so, and instead, almost always wanted to know what him to make the choice for himself and for them since she trusted him... It was only when it came to decisions that he knew that he could not make because of his own inability, would Chizuru wield a strength that he could not hope to match in her efforts to have him understand her point of view, and only when it concerned his well-being would she become incredibly stubborn for his sake. Even now, what she had done was no different as Chizuru had long understood how he could never bring himself to ask for her to cut herself for him just to alleviate his bloodlust or the pain that accompanied it....

Once he properly grasps her hand, warm comfortable to touch as always, Chizuru's face lit up with an unmistakable joy that almost made Saito want to question how distraught she had been earlier given her brilliance, though her unconditional trust in him secretly made him feel flustered. What she had asked of him for his sake... and what she had said to him was a testament to Chizuru's unwavering kindness, and a very real reminder of how Saito honestly believed that Chizuru was so much stronger than than he was given how many times he was unsure of himself when considering the lengths he was willing to go to keep her with him as he wanted her safe... "Truly... I need to do more to win against you."

Her head tilts to the side as if to ask if she had heard him whispering something under his breath, but he silently shook his head, knowing that Chizuru would not press him since she understood how he would have responded differently if he had said something that he intended for her to hear as they began their walk back to camp in the quiet peace that he's found that Chizuru enjoyed when she was at his side. When they returned... their quiet peace would once again be shattered by the realities of war, and while Saito was comforted by how he knew how their current dilemma was temporary at best, he would enjoy this brief reprieve with Chizuru before she had to return to tending to the wounded... and he would have to part from her in order to fulfill his duty and obligations to the Aizu.

One day... in the future, _in t_ _heir future ,_ perhaps there would hopefully come a time when Chizuru would no longer need to administer such a troublesome treatment for him because of his condition... a time where she wouldn't need to worry about him falling or supporting him from behind in such a manner as Chizuru simply standing at his side was enough... However until such a time came where he could repay Chizuru for the grace she had given him a thousand times over... he knew better than to argue with his doctor. Bitter medicine indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha... sorry this is late. I didn't really get to writing this until this week because of family and somehow most of my spare time was eaten away at by me trying to finish a number of my hakuoki/hakumyu piano sheet music transpositions... they're on youtube under the same username if anyone happens to be interested.
> 
> also i didn't like the ending so i had to rewrite it several times (5 times and i'm still not entirely sure if i like it so i may/may not change it later. T_T). i'm fairly bad with writing conclusions imo.


End file.
